Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
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