I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
