Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
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I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
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This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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