She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
