cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
