I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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