I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
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