sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
