had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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