if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
