I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
