people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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