hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
