I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
