Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
