he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Randomize
