Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
