There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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