my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
