Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately