I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country