If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I agree and I would be an awesome dog