Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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