I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
