I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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