It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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