In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
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the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
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you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
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