Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
