i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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