Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
