Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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