Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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