Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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