God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
