my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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