I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
