Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
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