Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
