And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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