That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
