she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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