The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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