so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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