I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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