dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Randomize
