Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
being pregnant is like rehab
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
