my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
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