Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
