Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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