Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
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I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
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So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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