I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Randomize
