I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
