never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
