Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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