Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
