i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
