i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Randomize
