Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
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