I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
