I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
