My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
