just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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