Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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