OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
