I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
23 People Reveal The Worst Culture Shock They’ve Ever Experienced While Traveling
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
27 People Confess Their Proudest Fap
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey