i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
yeah, it was that bad.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
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Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
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I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.